Out of Options

The other day I was walking a dog around the block when this dude starts walking behind me. He was big, muscular, tall, wearing leather, had big ol’ shades on. To be honest I sped my pace up a bit to put distance between us. This guy was straight up intimidating looking.
Then about half an hour later I see him walking down the street licking an ice cream cone. Completely killed the intimidation he was rocking earlier.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on here. But now I feel like I need this again.

I used to be a nerd with delusions of grandeur, desiring a blog with thousands of hits and likes and reblogs. But what good is a few pixelated numbers? What does that do for me other than feed my ego?

I’m starting over. This blog is just for me to record my thoughts.

So much of my life I have to be careful of who I am and what I say. I feel like every step I take is over a sea of egg shells. This blog is just me. Unedited, unleashed, nothing held back.

This blog is going to be about life, love, philosophy, God, music, things that make me happy, things that piss me off, and everything else. There is no theme to this blog other than me.

In bed. Listening to emo music. Eating fudge cookies.

Have I depressed you yet?

So yet another sleepless night has been added to the tally. Luckily it’s not because I’ve got something that’s on my mind really. It’s mainly just because I’ve been a bum. Yesterday I slept in until noon, then went back to bed at 3 because I had nothing else to do. Then I woke up again at 8. I’m just exhausted all the time, especially the past few days, since I ran out of money and I was too scared to ask my parents for more money. Finally last night my girl made me ask for help. And of course, my parents gave me money with reassurance that it is ok because they’re amazing.

Being unemployed has been a total strain on my sanity. Not having money, not having anything to do, not being self-sustaining, not being productive. All of it just gnaws away at my mentality. I’ve been here before, in much worse circumstances. And it’s won over my willpower. But I’m making it.

My depression and anxiety has always been a self-perpetuating problem. My depression and anxiety makes it hard for me to get things done, which makes me feel like a bum, which makes me more anxious and depressed, which makes me get even less done, and so on and so forth. It just snowballs and snowballs until finally I am under an avalanche. But this time it’s different.

By no means is it easy or enjoyable, but I’m surviving. I’m holding on, and I don’t have any fear of losing my grip. There have been a lot of changes in my life lately, but it is clear which one is the key factor. My girl.

She believes in me. Even when I feel like I’m being a complete failure at life, she just makes it better. One of my biggest fears is that she’ll be disappointed in me, think that I’m a loser and leave me. But every night when we talk I tell her that I had yet another crappy day where it took me hours and hours to get out of bed, I didn’t hear back from my prospective job, and I was starting to hate myself again. And every night she always tells me she loves me and I’m amazing and makes me feel like the most amazing boyfriend. For the first time, I feel like a man, as corny, cliche, and dumb as that may sound.

But still she pushes me to be better. Just enough. Just right. Most people who try to push me fall into one of three categories. Some people just don’t understand and offer completely irrelevant “advice” like “go pick a flower” or “just think about rainbows” or something else hippy-like and gay. Other people think they need to treat me like a mentally retarded toddler and give me a high five every time I so much as wipe my own ass. It’s just condescending, makes me feel like even more of a loser. Then there are the people who just tell me to suck it up and push through. While that is the kind of thing I gotta do from time to time, these kind of people ALWAYS push WAY too much.

But Maggie is perfect. She’s amazing. She always encourages me when I’m down. She congratulates me and genuinely expresses that she is proud of me. And not for stupid little things that makes me feel like I’m some incompetent buffoon, but for the things that are hard for me that I don’t want people to know are hard for me. But she always knows, and she always makes sure to tell me how proud of me she is.

She understands me. She encourages me. She supports me. She helps me. She advises me. She’s my rock, the only thing that is keeping me from losing it completely.

And I am madly in love with her.

Definitely gonna have to take a nap after church.

I am constantly being amazed at how quickly things change. A month ago I thought things couldn’t get worse, then my dream came true. Then tonight, it seems to have all blown up and I’m right back where I started.

33 Days it begins. I can’t wait.

Was to be normal. I’m not saying I want people to be cookie cutter clones of everyone else, but I just wish my life was normal. I wish people didn’t look at me as less than them because they think they’re stronger than me just because life has knocked me down.

If the storms in my life hadn’t been there to knock me down, I’d be standing there right with you in your sunshine. If the struggles in life hadn’t pulled me to the ground, I wouldn’t have needed to pick myself up so many times. If the low blows life gave me  bruises and scars, it doesn’t make me more fragile than you.

Just because you don’t seem the storm clouds over my head doesn’t make you any better than me.

After a minor car crash, and an autoshop mixup, I am finally at my new home in Connecticut. I have a very comfy bed with a brand new pillow and comforter because the family I’m living with is awesome. I just finally got into bed after going non-stop all day between packing and traveling and rehearsal tonight. And on top of it all, tomorrow we’re leaving at 4am to go to NYC.

Despite the hectic stress of the past few days, I am still very happy to be here. I needed to get out of my house, and now I am. I needed to be playing music, and now I am. And I needed a girl, and now I have one. All in the course of a month, I got everything I wanted.

Thanks to my followers who put up with all my whiny emo posts these past few months. I just needed an outlet where I could just express how I was really feeling. And I felt miserable and hopeless.

I know there are a lot of people out there who feel that way right now. I understand how hard it is to believe that hope still flies. But hang in there, sometimes things just come through at just the time you need them to. And when they do, the change can happen so fast it will blow your mind.